iniquitous1

09:18 am: that which i worship (repost)
Unzipping your pants as I
Slip my hands in and pull out your tool
I'm already drooling as I visualize how
The next few minutes will unfold
I've been told I'm rather bold
When it comes to being oral
Very thorough with my treatment
As I sit here on my knees
Eager to please

You tower over me
With your legs spread widely
All the power over me
Found within your hardened masculinity
I'm hypnotized by it's enlarged head
Dreading the moment all of this ends
Spending time getting reacquainted with it's silky feel
Stealing furtive licks on the third eye
As it spys on me, I can hear your quiet sigh

Standing, I fold my hands upon your chest
I take off your vest and whisper softly
For you to undress yourself of the rest
I can feel you breathing softly on my shoulder
I know it's about time for me to get a little bolder
Pushing you so you fall sprawling across the bed
Settling myself in between your muscled legs
I smile, knowing my appetite's about to be fed
Gonna leave your sanity crippled in my stead

I close my eyes as I slip you in between my soft lips
Flicking my tongue across the swollen veins of ya dick
Tricking you into thinking I won't take it all in
Grinning as I get ready to begin
Engulfing you down to your pubic base, tickling my tonsils
As I glance at your face, it's twisted pose
Showing me your sudden fall from grace
The spaces between your intakes of breath
Have become shorter as you near this sweet death

I'm at once inspired as I cradle your jewels
The silken sacs holding your sexual fuel
I can feel them tremble as the fluid moves through them
I swallow and suck in attempts to soothe them
They feel the vibrations as I beginning humming
I can see the sensation's almost got you cumming
As your hips rise and fall on the sheets with a thump
I sense your rod pulsate, and then it jumps
So I grab it and hold on to it steady
I can tell by it's heat that you're almost ready
As I hear your muffled groans, coupled in with my soft moans
My clit feels neglected, so I reach down to protect it
The cream from within me is gathered on the sheets
A puddle at the juncture where my chocolate thighs meet
Your breathing is ragged, composure is jagged
You twist to escape from my constant tongue tagging
My assault's unrelenting, as I remember your consenting
To this soft killing that's now got you ascending

You're grabbing my hair as you lose your control
My constant dick stroking has taken it's toll
You strangle out, 'faster',and I choose to comply
As I squeeze at the base, and look up on the sly
Your eyes are closed shut, and your face is contorted
It's covered with sweat, but my view is distorted
By the pillow you reached for to cover your mouth
As your ab muscles clench, and you let out a shout
'I'm bout ta cum baby' is your sudden announcement
I squeeze your jewels softly and continue mouth bouncing
Your thighs start to tighten, there's a momentary hush
Then all of a sudden, I feel the cum rush
From the bottom of your balls to the base of your dick
And right through the red, swollen head of your stick
Then the creamy stream hits the back of my throat
But I've done this before, so I know I won't choke
It's coming in waves, and I swallow it all
And during this time I'm still squeezing the balls
To make sure I get each and every last drop
I continue to suck, cuz I don't want to stop
Your body is flinching all over the place
And the pillow continues to cover your face
Your toes are now curled, and your thighs are now trembling
I can hear through the pillow that you've begun mumbling
Your rod has now softened, as I've sucked it dry
It's spent, and you're bent, as you let out a sigh
Cuz it's never been worshipped so thoroughly before
As you take off the pillow and whisper out 'MORE'

09:18 am: what is this fixation i have with sucking dick?
i mean, i dream about it at night, his warm dick in my mouth, the head straining to keep from gushing...DAMN, but thinking about it right now is making me want to just go up to his job and suck him off RIGHT THERE RIGHT NOW.

i just called him and told him i'm sucking his dick tonight. i hope he's ready, cuz i'm gonna suck it like a kid trying to suck a chocolate shake through a straw.

he won't know what hit him, cuz i'm gonna grab it by the shaft and drag him into the apartment and just drop him to the ground as soon as we're inside the door.

03:38 pm: martha stewart is on house arrest?
poor thing...she's confined to her mansion with only her servants to keep her company...

02:47 pm: it does affect folk
i've been having an ongoing online debate with this brotha regarding 50 cent and it boggles the mind how he views the situation. here's the lowdown:

50 cent has been doing interviews where he's spewing hatred and threats towards other rappers. now while i understand that hip hop is known for the beef occuring between rappers, i've seen how beef can escalate to folks getting hurt. i don't mind it as much if the dissing is limited to the albums. however, when it gets to verbal attacks done in interviews, i think that's where someone crosses the line. that isn't hip hop to me.

the brotha i'm debating with is of the mindset that what 50 cent is doing is harmless. meanwhile his actions have already resulted in folks in his crew getting shot at, and this isn't the first time it's happened. i remember a few years back when 50 cent's son was a bystander in a shooting where someone was aiming at 50 cent. he wasn't getting shot at just because of what he said on a record. he was shot at because he had made some disparaging remarks towards another rapper and some of the rapper folks responded with gunfire.

it's like this...if folk can acknowledge that positive actions generate positive results, why can't folk acknowledge that negative behavior begats negative results? folks can say all they want about how the rap lyrics don't have affect on folks. meanwhile, there are too many folks out there who try to embody those lyrics, just as when folks talk about positive stuff, some folks out there will try to embody that stuff.

in a perfect world everyone would recognize all that stuff with 50 cent for what it is: a stupid attempt to get his name in the papers and his recently released album to move units. however, this world ain't perfect and there are folks out there who actually think 50 cent is someone to look up to cuz they don't have any immediate role models surrounding them. and i'm not talking about a small percentage of black kids. i'm talking about a LARGE number of black kids feel this way.

and that's my entire beef with 50 cent and other rappers like him. their pursuit of all things material has either blinded them or jaded them to what's going on around them. they either don't see or don't care about the kids who are listening to them and thinking to themselves "i want to be just like him!"

if they don't know, then i can understand to a certain degree. some folks just don't see the forest for the trees. however, i get the sneaking suspicion that mostly they just don't give a fuck. it's all about the bling and the phat ride and shit that goes with it. whomever is affected negatively by their actions is just debris in the road to fame and fortune.

either way, 50 cent might think he's the one running the game, but really he's just another pawn...another punk who's perpetrating the negative shit that will continue to plague the black and poor community.

09:36 am: i'm gonna quit smoking...
i've decided today that i'm smoking my last batch of cloves. i will not be buying any more packs of smokes. i've gotta quit doing this because my body doesn't deserve this kind of treatment. it is a temple and i'm treating it like it's a smoke stack. i'm determined to do this, so i've gotta put a plan together that i'm gonna stick with. any suggestions?

09:07 pm: i apologize...
i can't even begin to fathom what motivates a person to do what he or she does. what i do know is that i'm not the one to judge a person's actions. i am writing this to apologize to aswad and jonah, the two brothas i was venting about in my last journal entry.

i apologize for not acknowledging that the human mind isn't universal in logic and therefore, what one does as a result of the thoughts within the human mind are not something i nor anyone else can deem as logic or illogical in any universal sense.

i apologize for not realizing that i myself have done similar actions in the past and found ways to justify them. even if ultimately those actions hurt other folks, when you're in the throes of committing them, there are times when you cannot stop yourself from doing them, even when you know you are hurting someone as a result of them.

i apologize for being a self-righteous bitch. knowing we're all humans with faults means also admitting that those faults include dishonesty and if i can understand the other faults, i have to understand that one as well.

i love you both and hope you will forgive me. no matter what comes as a result of your actions, know that i have your back.

08:47 pm: i'll finish the tale of the mountains later, but i've gotta speak on this subject RIGHT NOW.
you know, over the last few days i've found out i'm dealing with some serious hypocrites. in one corner i've got a cat who is always talking about how spiritual he is, how he believes in healthy living and all that shit. he's in school studying eastern medicine and is acting like he's living this drama-free life without worries and always about truth.

meanwhile, i just learned that same person is fucking around without a condom. he specifically tells girls he doesn't like 'em. now, this dude is 32 fucking years old. he's way too fucking old to be fucking without a condom. what about AIDS you dumb ass??? are you fucking deluding yourself into thinking you're above such things? do you really believe god got your back like that??? do you honestly believe that being "all natural" means fucking without protection?

so now that he's got someone pregnant, he's got to tell all of the other girls he's been intimate with (who i find out, thought he was more or less faithful to THEM sexually) that he's got some girl pregnant. some girl he's known for a couple of months.

SHIT!

then there's ANOTHER brotha who acts like he's being real with folks. he's not down with dishonesty, not down with faking folks out, only digs the real and the folks who speak it. he plays like he's not deceitful, not down with games, and is so fucking upstanding. meanwhile, the brotha is lying through his neck about important shit dealing with trust and relationships. he thinks he's so fucking smart that he can lie himself into the darkness, like nobody's gonna see his ass there, untruths falling from between his lips like rotten teeth. i am so tired of the self-righteous folks who act like they're above just being fucking human. ADMIT YOU DID THE SHIT AND BE THROUGH WITH IT. don't you realize you're just a punk for playing like you didn't do it? you're an idiot if you think folks are so stupid they don't see through your flimsy "i don't know what you're talking about" facial expressions. YOU ARE NO BETTER THAN ANYBODY ELSE, so get over yourself and get with the fucking human race...THE FLAWED HUMAN RACE.

NOBODY'S PERFECT. what separates the real from the fake isn't words, it's actions.

12:10 pm: part two of our jaunt to the mountains...
so that night, after a few drinks to calm me down, we settled in for time with friends. it was a total of six of us: mark brooks and his wife lisa, brian beber and his girlfriend amy, and dex and i. lisa made dinner, which was something very tasty but i couldn't remember the name of it if you threatened to cut off one of my nipples.

after eating, we pulled out all the beer and wine and proceeded to play drinking games. the first one was some complicated game involving dice. so complicated in fact, that we stopped playing it after about five minutes. that game sucked.

we then ended up playing a game called "asshole". it's basically a card game where you have to put down a card to beat the previous card on the table. if you can't beat that card, you have to take a drink. the first one to get rid of his or her cards was ruler of the table. the last person to get rid of his or her cards was the table asshole. the asshole then had to do any and everything the ruler requested. there were some pretty lowdown requests made that night, most of which i can't print here cuz i ain't trying to embarrass folks too bad. then again, the funniest moment was when mark was the ruler and brian was the asshole. mark asked brian to take his socks off and put his slippers on his feet. now imagine sweaty stinky feet and a guy who is already reserved when it comes to touching folks. now invision that reserved guy having to take off some sweaty ass socks with sweaty ass feet in his face. brian had the funniest look on his face. in fact, dex has a photo of it if you want to check it out.

we didn't really get all that drunk, though. i was basically taking baby sips from my beer bottle and half the time folks forgot to drink. by the time we went to sleep, it was very late. i was extremely tired, so initially fell right to sleep. then i was awakened by this loud howling. turns out it gets really, REALLY windy in the mountains during the winter. we were in a bedroom with a large glass window and i could have sworn the glass window was gonna shatter any minute. it's pitch black, the wind is slapping this glass like an abusive husband, and i can hear the trees bending, the limbs hanging on for dear life. there was this really, really large tree right outside the window. it was creaking like crazy! every time i would get to sleep i'd wake up like ten minutes later cuz the tree creaked like it was in the throes of death and was gonna fall on the house at any minute.

by the time the sun started peaking over the horizon, i was straight up sitting up in the bed, too scared to go back to sleep. i walked to the window and see snow everywhere!

oh shit, we're gonna be snowed in now?? WHAT DA FUCK!

09:22 am: the mountains scared me shitless!
dex and i spent a day up in the mountains with a few friends of ours. we had a blast, really. good friends, good food, good drink, and a stunning view. all of that shit was up there in the mountains.

by the time we got up there saturday evening, they were already pulling on a couple of beers and glasses of wine. in fact, as soon as i walked in the door i was handed a glass of wine. now normally i'd wait until i had settled down before partaking in the alcoholic beverages, but this time i straight up ran for the glass. why you ask?

imagine this...it's dark as fuck with no street lights to be found, you're in the middle of ruralville and driving down narrow roads that have these sudden drops which make you feel like you've just suddenly driven off of the edge of the world.

once you've pulled over to the side of the road a few times to collect yourself and hold back the tears cuz you're scared shitless, you find yourself at the bottom of a mountain that has to be as wide as the state of texas and so tall that you could swear the top of it was caressing the belly of the highest star in the sky, and you've gotta drive up that shit.

so you gather your wits, cuz it's yet ANOTHER narrow road, only this time the drop is FOR REAL cuz the side of the road is all valleys and trees. you start driving up the road slowly with your 4 wheel drive CRV...yeah, the mini-SUV that is good for on-road driving but is a joke off-road...you're riding first gear, the brake pedal is always within kissing distance of your foot. your husband is trying to get directions to the house but his mobile phone keeps losing its signal and sprint pcs don't really give a fuck if you're on a mountain at night fearing for your life in a toy truck with no off-road capabilities and a husband who's trying to hide his own fear behind a hesitant smile with his hand rubbing your back in a feeble but well-intentioned attempt to soothe you.

it's a starless sky, the road is narrow and steep as all shit, there is no guard rail to prevent you from straight up driving off the cliff, and you don't know how to get to the house on the mountain. you hear something about fork in the road, so you turn at what you thought was a fork in the road and end up on the narrowest, darkest, most ominous looking road...like something straight up outta "friday the 13th" but with a little "cabin fever" thrown in for good measure

after realizing you are on the wrong road. you've gotta make a uturn. on the narrowest, darkest, most ominous looking road with a sharp drop on the side.

so you're sitting there almost ready to start crying again. then your husband walks you through backing up and turning around the toy truck so that you're back on track.

now you're finally on the right road to the house on the mountain and you feel a little more calm, but it's still dark as fuck and the only thing you can see in front of you are the trees from the valley on the side of the road, and the little piece of the road ahead of you which is every bit as winding as you've seen in the movies. by the time you see the house on the side of the road, you're ready to just jump out of the car and walk down the mountain...until you realize that you're still a black girl in the middle of a rural area of white southern pride.

so instead you run into the house and straight for the first glass of wine which thankfully is already stretched out for you to take.

the rest of the night was fucking awesome, but getting there was scary as hell and i never want to repeat it. ever.

i'll talk about the rest of the weekend later on...

07:23 pm: bush takes oath, starts second term...
and i solemnly swear to continue to think bush is a fucking idiot who doesn't give a shit about the rights of the majority of the people in america. i promise to continue to bitch about his presidency while also digging into the trenches of the community and preparing folks for the craptacular state bush will leave america in when he's finally out of office. i also promise to turn the television whenever bush attempts to give a speech, disregard any attempt at sincerity he gives when he says "i will fight for the oppressed" and automatically assume he's lying until proven otherwise. finally i promise to continue to recognize condaleeza rice as little more than bush's scrotum-licker and despite what anybody says, will not see her cabinet position as the republicans valuing the voices of those within the black community.

in the name of the father and the holy spirit, amen.

06:59 pm: what is up with that spoken word mcdonalds commercial?
i love poetry and in particular, spoken word joints. however, that mcdonalds commercial is the dumbest shit i've ever seen on television (excluding fox programming of course).

the narrator is all sing songy and poetic about some damn salad? what kind of ridiculous shit is that? is that supposed to be their attempt at catering to the black audience? hell, i'd rather they went back to fat black women in choir robes singing a gospel hymn about the virtues of fried chicken!

what next? is nelly gonna stick a credit card up some stripper's ass before planting it on the counter to pay for his big mac?

10:51 pm: man...
i don't feel like doing SHIT this week. i just want to sit back and chill. bring on the weekend already!

08:37 am: thank you, martin luther king...
for empowering my folks to demand their rights as human beings
for helping them see they're worth not only the rights, but the fight for those rights
for galvanizing the troops to battle against injustice
for moving people to action with your eloquent words
for having a bold dream during a time when blacks were told not to dream
for giving me the beacon of hope that still springs eternal
for showing us that "injustice ANYWHERE is a threat to justice EVERYWHERE"
for knowing that a job is not the embodiment of a person's being
for fighting non-violently in a world that acted violently in reaction to blacks demands for their rights
for living your life with purpose
for serving your fellow human being when you knew the sacrifice would be your life

thank you for being the role model who years after your death is still inspiring people to change the world for the better. your legacy is found in my every movement as i stride with purpose to rid the world of the ills currently plaguing it. i will continue to diligently battle against injustice, to empower the silent to courageously yell, to seek out the knowledge you and others have put forth, to become a better person, to be a proactive force in my community and beyond, to appreciate every moment i am living, to love my fellow human beings for all of their strengths and even more for their imperfections, to love myself.

thank you martin luther king. your gift to the world is recognized every day. i'm just shouting it out to the world right now.

04:17 pm: THIS is what it's all about
so yesterday we took the girls from femtech to a day full of activities celebrating martin luther king's birthday. we started off at an southern christian leadership conference youth symposium dealing with poverty, education, and the juvenile justice system. it was dry and we were bored, so we left that borefest for a youth summit taking place at the mlk center. it was about devising non-violent strategies to handle violent situations. it was very engaging and the girls were active participants. i was so proud of them!

after the summit, there was a writing workshop for kids, so one of the girls (her name is karrie) and i stayed for the workshop. she learned techniques on how to keep her words flowing when she felt as though she was coming down with writers block. she really enjoyed the workshop and i enjoyed being there with her.

after the workshop, we headed to a poetry slam which was a continuation of the workshop. the room was filled to capacity and folks were getting up and reading poems about all kinds of things. karrie decides to add herself to the list of poets on the open mic list. i asked her was she sure and she said "yes, miss anika. i really want to read this poem."

so when it's her turn to get up, she walks up hesitantly to the stage. the mc introduces her and talks to her a bit. he was amazed that someone so young (she's twelve year's old!)had the courage to walk up and do a poem in the middle of a room full of adults. she appeared unfazed which totally blew my mind!

she begins reading her poem entitled "soul sister". she talks of how she's got a soul sister who's powerful, a woman who makes her feel like she's the brightest star in the universe, someone who inspires her and encourages her to believe she can do anything, someone who she feel is her kindred spirit and has taught her how to be fearless.

then she ends the poem with "who is my soul sister? my soul sister is YOU!"...and proceeds to point DIRECTLY AT ME!

WHAT DA FUCK? she was talking about me the whole time! i burst into tears and almost ran out of the room. she got a standing ovation for her poem and then everyone turned to me and started clapping. the mc told the audience that i was her mentor and karrie told the audience that i was the inspiration for the poem!

it was at that very moment that it all came full circle for me. it wasn't about her writing a poem for me. it was about instilling her with self-esteem and empowerment. i realized then that she got it. she got why i spent so much time with her and the rest of the girls. she understood how important her well-being was to me and that i believe in her.

you know what? besides the moment dex and i became man and wife, that was the best moment of my life. the moment i realized that my girls are absorbing all the hope, courage, strength, and wisdom i have to give. they inspire me to continue doing what i'm doing.

having them in my life is a priceless gift. thank you god.

06:39 pm: I am black

Deep without bottom
Dark without light
Sky without twinkle
Eyes without sight

Shadow without sun
Coffee without cream
Tunnel without ending
Sleep without dreams

I have been taught
To think thoughts like that
Cuz nothing sprouts beautiful
When you are black

12:32 am: my new joy in the world
i crochetted my first ponchos for gifts this past christmas after knitting a shitload of scarves for everyone the previous years. i even knitted a few caps! i wish i had taken photos, but that'd be too much like right.

you would think that making gifts would make them less expensive, right? nahhhhh...

the good yarn is either 7.00 a skein for a decent amount, or almost 5.00 for an obscenely low amount of yarn. either way, unless you're only trying to knit some thumb warmers, you've gotta get at least four skeins in order to make something like a poncho (although two skeins would give you a nice scarf). in other words, knitting gifts could be just as expensive as going to the store and buying the gift, and with MORE time involved!

oh well, i said i was gonna stop buying gifts just for the helluvit, so that means everyone i know has either gotten a scarf, a poncho, a hat, or a baby blanket from me.

i need more money so i can turn into that shallow, materialistic, self-centered, lazy bastid i've always strived to be. then i could just write out checks and mail them to folks. or better yet, i could wait until december 24 to buy all my gifts and end up buying matching fanny packs for my daughter and her husband, like my dad did for dex and i. you know...cuz it's the thought that counts.

05:31 pm: new years resolutions get a bad rap...
everyone is always talking about resolutions and how stupid they are and how stupid people are to have them. why is this so? i see resolutions as a chance to rededicate one's self to attaining the goals he or she finds important. each new year brings a new opportunity to revisit those goals you had set for yourself in the previous year, take stock of what you've done, and start formating what you're gonna do for the new year. if you think that's stupid, then too fucking bad.

my new year's resolutions?

1. rededicate myself to eating healthier and becoming more active. i used to play tennis alot, but i stopped when my life got really hectic (especially when i was planning that friggin wedding...)I will accomplish this by making sure i go grocery shopping every two weeks and stocking up on vegetables, renewing my membership to the gym, and finally using that yoga shit my dad got me for christmas two years ago.

2. rededicate myself to getting back in school. i've been out for the last year and it sucks. i love school. i will accomplish this by saving up every penny i've got. if i don't have enough for a full load, i'll just take the classes i can afford. either way, it's gonna friggin happen THIS SEMESTER.

3. rededicate myself to organizing my life. i've got a palm pilot AND a day runner. meanwhile, i rarely use both. i will now make a habit of using my palm pilot and any other organizational tool i have at my disposal. i have already created my budget for the year and i will make a point of sticking to it. dex and i cleaned up our apartment, so at least i can start fomulating some thoughts there without feeling like i'm in the middle of a warzone. the areas in which i will focus my efforts to organize:

a. finances
b. school projects
c. volunteer efforts
d. femtech program
e. workout regimen
f. professional development at georgia tech

4. rededicate myself to listening more and talking less. the world is full of wonderful ideas and people with knowledge for me to absorb. i have got to reign in my ego and stop assuming i have the answer all the time, cuz i don't. this year i will be more humble and actively listen to the thoughts of others. i was talking to my uncle last night, and he told me he never argues because it's wasted effort. i have to agree. while i will continue to be opinionated, i will stop trying to beat my opinions over the heads of others. everyone has a story and a reason for believing as they do. i have to do a better job of understanding that and give their opinions the respect they deserve. how will i accomplish this, i'm not sure. i think the first step will be to become comfortable with silence. i notice when there's a lull in the conversation, i'm quick to fill up the silence with my voice. i'm gonna start doing a five second count before i speak in response to folks, so that i give them enough time to expand on their thoughts cuz sometimes i'm sure folks have more to say but don't because i'm so quick to jump in with something i feel i've got to say. i will also make a point of maintaining eye contact and making the environment around me comfortable for folks to speak their minds without fearing my wrath. good luck to me and my wretched ego in accomplishing that task.

5. rededicate myself to being more supportive, appreciative, and loving of dexter as well as the rest of my family. i don't call folks enough. i assume they don't want to talk to me or that when i do call, we won't have anything to say. after talking to my uncle last night, i realized my fears are unfounded. i made a vow to call my uncle once a week, as he's dying of terminal cancer and i don't want him to feel as though he has to die alone or feels as though i don't love him. it's fucked up that he had to be dying before i realized how important human contact is in folks lives. this also ties into the listening more, but i have to let folks know they mean alot to me. i'm gonna start writing to the folks i love and not just assume they know i love them. that little bit of effort ain't much, really.

as far as how i'm treating dex, i know i can do a better job of supporting him emotionally and physically. there's a part of me that rebelled against the idea of the traditional wife, but supporting my husband doesn't mean i'm turning into june cleaver. it means i love him enough to support him. the end. i will definitely do a better job of listening to him, as there have been numerous times when he's said he's told me something yet i have no memory of the conversation. i have to be just as passionate about maintaining my relationship with dex as i am with making femtech successful. our relationship should be of the utmost importance to me, and i've got to start acting like it is. i will take the focus off of what's wrong with our relationship and focus on what i can do to make it the best relationship for us. that means i have to stop blaming him for what i feel is missing from our relationship as i'm just responsible for whatever it is that's missing.

6. finally, my last resolution is to make my word my bond this year. i will not overextend myself by taking on ventures i cannot complete because my plate is already too full. i will learn to say no. i will learn to give folks a realistic timetable for when i can complete projects and i will not tell my cousin i'm coming to get him without knowing ahead of time if i can do so. if i don't feel like doing something, i will tell it and not come up with an excuse as to why i can't do it. if i commit myself to doing something, it will get done.

*whew*

i feel better now. i think writing this stuff down has been good for my spirit. i'm gonna print this out and stick it in on my fridge and on my corkboard at work so that i have a daily reminder of everything i have rededicated myself to accomplishing this year. all of these things are an ongoing process and the journey lasts a lifetime. resolutions are merely resolving to listen to the dreams being whispered within one's heart and being proactive in making those dreams come true.

and there ain't a damn thing wrong with that.

06:22 pm: i have the best brother in the world...
so a few years ago evidently i had a check that bounced when i paid for my tuition back then. i was in school for another whole year before i realized what had happened (as my job has been paying for my school since that point).

i find out when i get a letter from a collection agency a few months back.

so of course i'm fucking pissed at myself because i never bothered to check to see if the check had gone through. i realize at that moment that i won't be able to attend school next semester because it will be a financial hardship on me paying the school back (and cuz i missed the deadline for my job to pay for my schooling, i'd also have to pay for that semester...) i was really looking forward to school, too...

so anywho, i tell my brother, and he cuts me a check and pays off the debt. mind you, i'll still have to reimburse him (which i don't mind in the least), but it amazes me how the boy could even do this for me. he's in school in san diego, so it's not like he's got money!

that boy is just fucking amazing to me. really, i'm still in shock.

now all i have to do is come up with the money to go to school next semester. i'm gonna find a way to make that happen, cuz this is the one thing i'm doing for myself, you know? i really want to finish up and graduate. i love learning and the challenge that comes with taking on new things. please put out good vibes for me as i try to come up with the funds to pay for my next semester!

12:17 pm: her name is kaitlin, with a "k"
she was a petite little thing, seven going on seventy with skin the color of milk with a dab of strawberry jam stirred in it. her hair was baby fine, like silk thread the color of roasted almonds. she and her surrogate foster mom stopped by my parents' house the day after thanksgiving. that was the first time i had ever seen a white child within the foster care of a black family. turns out the family she officially lives with went on vacation for the holiday and didn't take her cuz she got into alot of fights with their biological daughter. what utter bullshit. if the kid is a part of your family, you take her with you. siblings fight all the time. leaving her behind firmly establishes the belief that you don't think she's your "real" child. i think people like that shouldn't be allowed to have foster kids.

anywho, kaitlin walks into my parents' kitchen with a white plastic bag. i asked her what was in the bag and she said it was a puzzle. i asked her if she wanted to put the puzzle together and she said yes.

initially she was a little hesitant. i figured it was because she was in a strange place and didn't know me. i just started speaking to her softly, making sure i always made eye contact with her. i also had to make sure i wasn't putting the whole puzzle together, as it was obvious she only wanted assistance. after about thirty minutes, she started talking to me without provocation. she was definitely strong-minded, that's for sure. i asked her all the things you ask a kid when you want to make them feel at ease...what's your favorite color, favorite subject at school, stuff like that. by the time we had finished the puzzle, she was looking around for something else for us to do. i told her we should take a photo of our accomplishment, so i went upstairs to get my dad's camera. it wasn't until i got to his room that i realized she had followed me upstairs. i gave her the camera and we headed back downstairs. we took about four photos. she took a couple of those photos, too. it was cool watching her look all serious as she angled the camera for her shots. how do kids learn these things???

after we finished, she starts jumping excitedly and exclaims she wants to play a game.

i search around the house and find an old monopoly game. she didn't really know what it was about, but it had disney characters on it, so she was cool with it. after we picked out our metal pieces and distributed the money (which was basically me telling her "i need six of the green papers, two of the gold ones, etc.), we got around to playing the game. needless to say, kaitlin is gonna be a business tycoon when she grows up cuz she had scooped up most of the property by the end of the game. it was so funny, cuz she couldn't read that well, so when she landed on a property and bought it, i had to tell her to look for the card with the picture of a particular disney character on it. we had a blast, really.

i had to start heading home, as it was getting late. that's when kaitlin's powers kicked in. she asked me to read every card on the monopoly game, including the property cards. then she was running around looking for something for me to read to her. it was obvious she had kicked in with the delay tactics, but i wasn't mad at it. when i found a couple of books upstairs, i sat down and read to her. meanwhile, when she noticed i was getting to the end of the story, she'd pick up another book and toss it on my lap so there was always at least two books on my lap for me to read to her.

the girl had me cracking up, cuz eventually i had about ten books on my lap, including a dictionary, an encyclopedia volume, and the bible. she had no clue what she was putting on my lap, she was just tossing books there.

eventually linda (the surrogate foster mom) told kaitlin it was time for them to leave. kaitlin grabbed my waist and held on so tight i thought she would snap a bone or something. when they got to the door, she ran to me and hugged me again, then said she wanted to see me again sometime. i gave her one of the books i had read to her and told her it was a done deal, cuz she had to bring my book back.

when she left, it was like a little glimmer of sunshine had just left the room.

07:09 pm: the creator works in mysterious ways...
she definitely has a way of bringing forth unexpected blessings.

this is both my favorite and worst time of the year. it's my favorite because the feeling of the holidays is in the air...the spirit of giving and sharing with those you love (or perfect strangers which is even cooler!) its the worst time of the year because i get really reflective about my life and the things i experience and it pains me that i have yet to resolve the things that have created anger and resentment and fear and sorrow in my life.

i can admit it now. i haven't gotten over being raped. it's been years, and i still can't seem to shake the irrational fear that grips me whenever i'm around males i don't know, even young males. i try my best to reach out to them, to let them know i'm a friend. meanwhile there is a part of me that recoils for fear that any behavior i display will be misinterpreted as me wanting to get laid. it is this thought crippling my joy, stagnating my movement towards inner peace.

so i'm over here dealing with those feelings when i decide to check out a website for volunteers. i'm scanning the pages looking for somewhere to turn my negative energy into positive results when i come across a non-profit organization looking for someone to make brochures for them. i send them an email, not even really aware of what their organization is about. i get a response telling me about their program and i realize it's a support group for women who have been victimized by sexual assault and/or domestic abuse. i have been avoiding getting counseling for a while because i'm not even sure what i'd say to the person. i mean, the rapes and molestation are all at least ten years ago, so what would i tell the person other than "i can't get over it". anywho, i've volunteered to do their brochures for them and i think ultimately i can find something within the literature to help me. the coordinator offered to send me some support material and i'm gonna take her up on it.

i'm ready to be over this already. it's been weighing down on me to the point where my mind seems to be forever threaded with thoughts of inadequacy and helplessness. i would talk about it more here, but i can feel myself falling into self-pity mode, so i'm gonna just stop right here.